stop. hammetime.

jimmy, kak een and i. the one of me and jimmy standing, jimmy said it looks like models tengah tunggu their turns on the catwalk! when pia saw the pic of kak een by the side of the road, she asked: "eh, berapa ah pompuan kat tepi jalan nie?".. kak een was actually busy texting her moment-man!

jimmy and i gossip too much. people can tell a mile away from or facial expressions. they're real killers.

syarizan - one of the three loves of my life - and shahrezzan. we've got matching names and matching smiles [damn these taglines are getting cheesy!]

-two whole days of being tired out. i go to bed before midnight. last night i slept at 8pm and this morning i woke at 8am. i left the hose at 12pm and i've been out the whole day until 9pm only just.

-i'm rushing through this entry cos i really wanna go wash up and turn in. i'm too lazy to even ask company to come over. yes .. i'm FUCKING tired!

-today kak een bought me a fucking hawt belt and another kung-fu fish!!!!! eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! the belt's u know those skater belts, it's in khaki, but the buckle is filled with DIAMONDS!!! ooo weeeee! i'm sooooo happy i got that. it's all sparkly and shiny. i could just imagine myself on the podium and blinding everyone on the dancefloor!

-i really, really, really wanna tell you what i named my fish, but i can't cos i'm gonna get embarrased! tee hee* but this one's 'flamier' than sonny and cher .. and definitely my favourite. damn .. i'm so discriminatory! it's just that i'm sure sonny and cher would be quite unfriendly towards him so yea. the couple is on the table next to my computer table. but this one's ON my computer table. gile favourtism! he's the same pale colour like sonny and cher. but sonny's pale pink and purple and cher's pale pink and pink. this one's pale pink and deep purple and red. and the fins are flashier. but this one, he's not flashy .. he's really nice and humble. yea. kak een actually got a fish for herself, n i was watching this one. and the whole time kak een was picking a fish, i was just watching this one. like we really gelled and we were really feeling each other. n then kak een asked if i wanted it cos she realised i was watching him.

-i think he's like a new phase for me, this fish. like then, when i had a new leaf to turn over, i'd actually switch cigarette brands subconciously. i changed cigarette brands 4 times in my whole smoking life [8 years]. n i think this fish is for this new period i'm in. i can't tell what period this is .. maybe 'A.M.' .. i dunno.

-in a way .. i'm a bit content now. but naturally - as it is premanently instilled in me - i am unsatisfied. but there's nothing i can do about that unsatisfaction. it's like one of my internal organs.

-sonny and cher are still alive [should i be surprised or not?]. kak een's already had three dead fish. she gives her's too much attention. mine lack attention. maybe that's why my fish are still alive?

-kak een keeps going: "well .. you haven't seen MY fish!" .. and she's right, you HAVEN'T seen her fish: her fish looks at her directly, follows her, and i won't be surprise if her fish talk to her. her latest editions are [paul] van dyk and [armin] van burren. pretty nifty eh? I NAMED VAN DYK!

-this morning, i decided to take sonny and cher from the gloomy corner of the living room. i've left them there for months .. well, a few weeks. i just fed them whenever i remembered and i never changed their water. someone call the SPCA! anyway, so i cleaned out their shit and washed their bowl and scrubbed behind their fins [hehe], and now they're here with me in the study where there's lots of sunlight for them. they're actually swimming around a lot now. they don't look sad anymore like they did before i cleaned them out. if i keep going on i may start talking to them like kak een!

-antony nagelmann's photography [see below and previous entry] is what i'm feeling like right now. white egyptian cotton sheets. cool morning sun coming in through the curtains. good sleep. and knowing that someone's aroud. well .. maybe. no .. not at all. ugh .. not good after all.

NB: someone recently said: "damn, your room looks like it's sponsored by ikea". i was stoned, i said: "it is".

-if you can read the text, then you're lucky to have knowledge on some yummy stuff. you're extra lucky if you know the people in the text ^_^

-this is the danger of online journals. the thing is, once you sign up for an online journal, you know that it isn't a diary, it's a very public ONLINE journal. however, there are 'public' or 'private' settings for those entries that should and should not be read.

-and IF a story HAD to be told .. changing names to fictional names IS possible. why I didn't change the names is because it isn't MY entry.

-HOWEVER .. if there AREN'T any idiots out there who put up a very tasty entry, then naturally it wouldn't be fun.

-this addiction is bad; i don't even come out of my room for days and days. yes, i got QAF season 2 on DVD less than a week ago. and i'd just finished watching the whole season AND bonus features about an hour ago!

-you KNOW justin SHOULD leave brian, but you just don't want justin and brian to break up! you cried when linds and mel got married cos i did .. and i never knew lesbians could affect me so hard. i would love ben just as much as michael loves him; positive OR negative! you know you just HAVE to grab a copy of 'rage: gay crusader'! you know your life is at a halt UNTIL you get season 3 on DVD!

-i swear that's hotter than a naked, well-hung male porn star standing in front of me!

-i got myself a fucking cute haircut! wanna know how i set my hair? i drive fast with all the windows down .. and voila! perfectly set hair!

-the haircut is only step one. step two: colouring. i got my tresses bleached to a platinum blond. then dyed to an ash greyish-greenish-light brownish tone, which is TO DIE FOR!

-shopping tomorrow! i'm gonna get me LOADS of cutesy combat shorts with strings hanging from them! i'm nuts about them!

-i FINALLY got my baju raya set: it's greyish-pink. my kain sampin is not too goldy n its in beige, light brown n light pink. fucking hot set! trust me!

-this morning i got my top right wisdom tooth extracted. friday i'm gonna have my top left extracted. hopefully m gonna get the bottom two extracted before raya so i could get my braces on ASAP. yes .. braces! i'm gonna have to make them cute again! everyone with me?!

-about the flowers: a long time ago when i was still new in xanga i used a b+w orchid pic which i adore. it's the same one used in my last entry. i found the website wif the pics at albertozarate.com .. ALL his pics are fucking gorgeous. have a look.

-i like flowers .. don't you? what's ur favourite? mine are orchids!

-instead of asking people "how are you today?" ask them "are you okay?" and see how they react. they will say something like "why? what's wrong? don't i look okay?" the problem is this: people don't ask if the other person is okay or not. it is not in their interest because we're getting too self-centred these days. and because no one asks "are you okay?" other than your doctor, it seems like a peculiar question. so start asking "are you okay?" instead of "how are you today?"

-keeta sings. updates later when i have a listen to her new demo track.

-tomorrow will be leaving to granma's kampong house for aidilfitri. lots of food to get fat to! looking forward to it. after a night there .. will be going off to PENANG!! yay! looking forward to renewing my long-overdue tan!

+bliss+

-my hair's growing longer .. i think i'll let it grow.

-i watched mona lisa smile. i never wanted to watch it before, but since i had a copy of it on DVD, and since there was nothing else to watch i decided to give it a try. mona lisa smile is an excellent movie. i never thought it would get me, but it did. it's one of those movies you would least expect to like, so you don't watch it. and when you do, it really gets you and you really like it. everything about it is excellent; the cinematography, the script, the characters, the music .. everything. one scene that got me is at the start of the movie where julia stiles is smoking a cigarette and she barges through everyone to get to the assembly hall first as she calls for the start of a new college year. it is worth the watch.

-'morning of surgery' update:
It is a lazy and rainy Sunday afternoon. We lie on my baby olive green bed sheets. Pillows and cushions are carelessly tossed around, but there is hardly any space between our skins. I feel like this is love. I feel like I now know what love is like, because this is new. And love is something new to everyone. You will know it is love when it is something you have never ever felt before in your life. You have never smiled so much. You have never laughed so much. You have never yelled so much. You have never been so angry.
I feel secure here where I am. It is not the smell of your perfume. It is not the smell of your shampoo. But a familiar smell that is you makes me feel that I have nothing more to worry about. It is something that reassures me that – yes – I am content. Finally.
The rain falls lightly on the awning outside my opened windows. It wasn’t noisy, but instead, at that moment, it seemed almost musical and soothing. Like the soft applaud of an entertained crowd. The fan whirs from left to right to left to right, and the mosquito netting blows in synchronized rhythm with the blowing wind. Like angels lightly blowing their cool, sweet breath over my warm face. As if they were fluttering weightlessly over us.
It was cool and it was overcastted, but still bright. It was that brightness where you can tell the coming of the evening. Not yet dusk, but almost there. I find that the most peaceful and most beautiful time of the day. Before the birds twitter busily as they go back to their trees. Before the sunset tint paint the skies. You can’t call it ‘evening’ just yet, and it just seems awkward to call it ‘afternoon’. It is of course best when it rains or just when the rain is calming down.

It was dawn and the sun was still in blue. The pinks, reds, oranges and yellows had not yet been washed onto the grayish-blue slate of the dawn sky. Though the scene seemed monotone and dreary, it was not so as the birds chirped and the bustle of the early morning had started twenty-seven stories below on the streets. Apart from that, there was also Freddie’s ‘Beauty and the Beast’ DVD playing on repeat, as she was curled under her mauve and crimson bed sheets.

The apartment was silent otherwise. The sound of Lumiere, the talking candlestick, was muffled. The living room was in a blue monotone. The dining area hid away from the large windows, to stay in the darkness. Apart from the blue coming through the balcony at the living room, the only light around the apartment came from the hallway leading to the rooms.

The irritating beeps of an alarm clock starts from one of the bedrooms, and it continues for three minutes before on of the doors in the hallways open and a man in boxer shorts walks out, before revealing a very dark room, with the sun peeping through the thick curtains. The figure of a man is shaped out from under the bed covers. In the background, heavy footsteps and doors opening and closing are heard. ‘Beauty and the Beast’ has been switched off, and now the apartment is sans song and dance. Max shrugs under the covers and he finally wakes up. His naked body bed gets out of bed, and he walks towards the curtains to draw them open. Revealed is a floor to ceiling view of the city and through infinity.

His soft silhouette touched the dull morning sun as he stretched his arms to expel his tiredness. Then, he hugged the morning; overnight, he missed the morning more than he missed Adam. Adam’s footsteps filled the apartment. He turned to look at the door, and his face turned from a morning glee to complete irritation towards the existence of Adam.

-i've been delaying this entry only because i don't know what i've been feeling over the past few days. so many things have happen, and so many types of feelings and emotions have passed through my blood over these past few days. and over these past few days, i've also felt some things that i've never felt before. or maybe things i've failed to feel at times before.

-i've realised that some people are ultimately fantastic at convincing. but later, their cover is peeled off anyway ... so why convince? and why hide? and why hurt other people. if one is unable of carrying such responsibility, then do not take heed. even if it comes along with the need and want "to change", it is a risk to the other person's heart.

-to conclude, i will take a quote off great expectations [1997]: "we are who we are, people don't change", and i will rebutt with "we are who we are, and we will always try to change."

-p.s. bee .. i'm gonna be wanting you around for a looooong time, ok? this doesn't come as a warning though, it comes more as a kind request. your presence around me is greatly appreciated, and i think it's been forever since i last requested for anyone's presence.

-i tell you the things tht might be good; forgetting those things that upset me. or at least try to forget those things tht upset you the same, for they take the two of us into regard. there is no such thing as 'the two of us'; tehre is no such thing as being careful.

-i could see my refelection off the finely-polished parquet flooring. looking further, i see your reflection at the door.

-you looked impeccable in your grey suit, cut close to your frame. you didn't need to speak, as your standing there asked me to come and kiss you.

-the intricate gold-leafed designs on the high ceiling were glaring, so i put on my aviator sunglasses. and also to hide my eyes, for my eyes tell you everything, and tht would not be safe in my position. it was then when you'd walked towards me. however you walked past me. you draw the long and heavy crimson curtains shut, and the room dimmed into dark and deep redness of passion and intense danger tht could not warned. you drew the last set of curtains closed, and you turn to look at me. to look through me. you couldn't look into my eyes. and you didn't want to look at my limbs, or my torso, or my hands or feet. instead, you looked at me as a whole. and no one has ever looked me as a whole. i was either a pair of eyes, or just a left hand or the small of someone's back.

-and almost like you were at your most angry, you stomped towards me.

-but i'd lifted my sunglasses over my head. and i looked at your eyes. i looked into your eyes. i prayed tht my little knowledge of nonchalance and poise would be put into good use here. i would break you down with my glance.

-you stop and stand close to me, without touching. it was only your breath tht i felt close to my lips. how much i wanted to touch, and hold, and grasp, and grope. it was then tht i knew i'd lost. you had the upperhand, all by standing there and limiting me without saying a word; just by not doing anything.

-tell me how to be bored of you. tell me how you can be tasteless to my desire.

i'd known this guy .. fine and all. but i will not know what his face will look like cos he won't let me see. he's bi with a girlfriend. i'm just guessing he's some straight guy looking to fuck some boy cunt [eww .. taht was rude to myself]. anyways .. i dunno what it is:

a) is he just plain butt ugly?

b) does it get him hard to not see a face or show his face?

i feel yuck just talking of it

c) i dunno ..

i dunno .. whatever anyways!

i cannot stop thinking about that sex session. it's the ONLY thing runing through my mind right now. this person literally fucked my brains out. it was bang bang bang bang all the way for an hour and a half.

i can't stop thinking about it.

he has to be called again.

i think i'm married, and i don't even know it. have u ever felt like taht?

but i feel more wanted being married. not wanted by my husband, but wanted by OTHERS. damn me .. i'm going to hell.

i have a dilemma of deciding what the hell to wear tonight. there's an imperial party tonight .. so i gotta look like some conubine who just got fucked a hundre times. but then, i thought i'd just wear wht i usually wear, but i'd just bring a fan with me.

bon jovi's 'always' is playing on the radio and i feel like puking. i loved that song .. then again, everyone did. it's lame.

blah blah blah ... i feel gorgeous.

kiss n toodles!